Today jokes

I bought the world's worst thesaurus today.

Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible.

A woman is sitting in a park one day, watching two men work. The first man digs a hole, and then the second man fills it back in. Then the first man digs another hole, and again, the second man fills it back up. They keep doing this over and over again. Finally, the women asks them, “Why do you keep digging holes and filling them back in?” One of the guys replies, “Well, usually there’s a third guy here who puts in the tree, but he’s out sick today.”

Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it...

Guess I really am... Independent!

My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.

The joke. Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.

Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"

Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"

Son: "Moooooooo!!!!" Then bursts into loud laughter.

Love this kid!

A good looking girl waved at me today...

but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

I was at a job interview today...

When the manager handed me a laptop and said,

“I want you to sell this to me.”

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said, “Bring my laptop back now.”

I said, “£200 and it’s yours.”

I witnessed my shoelaces fight today...

It was a tie...

An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”

Today my son told me he wanted to go help blind people after school...

The verb, not the adjective.

$1,000 worth of products were stolen from a Games Workshop today

Police are looking for a book and three pots of paint.

My hamster died today.

He fell asleep at the wheel.

Today is 4/22!

If you missed 4/20, don't worry because today is 4/22

Bank on it..

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

A man misses the bus...

A man on the way home just misses the bus. He runs after it in the hope to catch it, but ends up running all the way to his home.

There he tells his wife : Honey, I did something great today. I saved 3€ by running after the bus.

She responds: Stupid you. You should have been running after the taxi instead to save even more money.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.

She's ninety-three today and we don't know where the hell she is.

Today I ran out of toilet paper and had to resort to lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked...

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact I knew where he lived...

A time traveler has traveled back in time to the year 1963.

However, he does not know the exact date. He sees a CIA agent nearby and asks him: "Is today before or after the JF-"

"Before"

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills