143 year old troll
I found this history text book from 1873 at a flea market today, and it’s super old school. On page 23, there is a thing that says “look on page 150” in pencil in the top margin- so I go to page 150 and the guy had written “you are a fool for looking”. Fuckin got me bro. Trolled me 143 years in the future good for him.
Prison may be just one word
But for some people it's a whole sentence
The doctor gave me 4 months to live.
So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
Always Wanted to get Married
My daughter always dreamed of getting married when she was a little girl.
So we converted to Islam.
Most people are assholes. Don't believe me?
Next time you see a group of people, yell out "hey, asshole!"
All of them will turn and look.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you...
You have my Word.
I'm kinda new to gardening...
Someone suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries.
Well, I'm never doing that again...
I'll just stick to whipped cream.
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
If there is a Serial killer inside your house, What is the safest place to hide?
In the living room.
Give a man a gun, he will rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.
Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....
.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said alphabetically or by age
My wife and I were super poor until she started giving massages....
Now we’re making money hand over fist
They say you can’t get a decent job without education.
But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!
earlier today I dropped an ice cube
It slipped under the refrigerator and I couldn't reach it. I was really upset about it at first but now I'm over it. water under the fridge.
I just discovered a major difference between me and Rapunzel.
Rapunzel lets her hair down but I let everybody near me down.
I always get the last laugh
Because no one else laughs at my jokes
I asked my girlfriend how she avoids click-bait..
Her answer may shock you!
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
What's the only branch of the government that actually listens to its people?
NSA