Red

A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was communist

I should have known, there were red flags everywhere

Recently started dating a chinese girl but not sure if I want to keep going.

She’s been raising a lot of red flags.

I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.

She said it's in case she has to draw blood.

If you go around grabbing women by the pussy...

...at some point you'll get caught red-handed.

There's been an explosion at the paint factory where my brother works.

He's missing, presumed red.

Roses are red,

My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.

What does it take to paint a wall red?

Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.

Don't drive like my brother...

I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."

A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?"

His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

If you were 8 years old when "Red, Red Wine" was released

UB40 now.

How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?

Easy, just paint his balls red.

Now what’s the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries

What's the difference between red and green?

Nothing if you're a cyclist cunt.

The colors red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom. Until they are flashing behind you.

Roses are red, violets are blue. If you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

Cutest joke ever

What does a red grape tell a purple grape? Breathe, you idiot! Breathe!!

Communism was bound to fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

A straw man, a red herring, and a MacGuffin walk into a bar.

But this joke isn't about that.

If a redbird has red babies, and a bluebird has blue babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A Swallow.

Roses are red, cellos are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down

What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue Paint

Fuck, I’m bored

A Frenchman staying at a hotel in England calls room service and asks for some pepper...

"What kind of pepper would you like, sir? Black pepper, white pepper, red pepper?" asked the manager.

He replied, "Toilette pepper!"

A man and his wife are arguing, the man says it's going to rain, the woman says it isn't.

"Let's ask Rudolph, the communist police officer"says the man

"It might, the sky is pretty cloudy" says the policeman

The man turns to his wife and says: "See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

what do you get when you finger a gypsy on her period?

Your palm red