Jokes

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

Double standards: Burning a body at a crematorium is praised; doing it at home is seen as destroying evidence.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope you're happy now.

New Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: OOF

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Students: Your parents.

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy." Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's Goofy."

"One man's trash is another man's treasure." A great saying, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted.

"My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..."

"He took a long look at me and gave me $300"

A guy gets a call from his Doctor...

The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."

The guy says "What's the bad news?"

The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."

The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?

My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

A man comes to a carpet store and says:

“I need a rug.”

“Why so gloomy, pal? Are you going to wrap a body in it, eh?”

“I need two rugs.”

What do you call an orphan's family reunion?

Me time.

What is an orphan’s favorite event?

Homecoming.

What show does an orphan hate? Family Guy.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.