She jokes

Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows?

They've really been making headlines.

-courtesy of my 8 year old niece.

If you're here for the yodeling lesson...

...please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue!

Someone keeps sending me roses with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

Joke told in the Soviet Union

(For context only 1/7 Soviets owned a car, and once you paid up front there was a 10 year wait to get one)

A man walks into the car store wanting to buy a car. He pays the man at the counter and the man at the counter says “Alright, just come back in 10 years to pick one up.” The man replies “Morning or afternoon?” The dealer says “Well, 10 years from now what difference does it make?” The man replies “Well, the plumbers coming over in the morning.”

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

I've come to the conclusion that my sex life sucks.

I was masturbating the other day, and my hand fell asleep.

You know, giraffes can grow up to 18 feet

but most of them only have 4

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

People are complaining that games are too short but

New Battlefront has 4500 hours of gameplay and people are still complaining!

speak, three languages you are trilingual, two, bi-lingual, what do they call you if you only speak one language?

American

Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.

Why do the Romans use more eggs in their omelets than the French?

Because the Romans feel that when it comes to eggs, you can't have too many ovum.

But in France, they believe that one egg is un ouef.

I used to work at a hydroelectric plant.

It was the best dam job I ever had.

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

What's green, slimy, and smells like bacon?

Kermit the frog's finger.

What's long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?

Your spine

What did the left leg say to the right leg?

"Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's a dick."

There's been an explosion at the paint factory where my brother works.

He's missing, presumed red.

When my kid is upset I let her colour my tattoo!

She just needs a shoulder to Crayon

All the periodic jokes Argon?

I don't Zinc so.